Funny: Mom confesses embarrassing fart story from her yoga class
Laura Mazza is a mom of two from Australia, who writes a blog about her turbulent family life. There, she shares everything that happens in her daily life, without holding back — even when it is as painfully embarrassing as her yoga class mishap.
"I'd like to say I'm making this story up, but alas no. This actually happened tonight.
"I have muscle separation. Having kids separated my abdominal wall like Moses parting the Red Sea. (...) So you know, I am trying to get fitter and fix it so it was suggested by a physio to try yoga.
"We started doing these random positions, moving into the upward facing dog and I feel a nice crack in my back, thinking 'I can do this...I totally love yoga. I am a yoga girl!! Look at me so fit right now.'
"Now for the past few weeks I have had IBS Symptoms like something crazy. My farts stink like something mixed between a rotten egg and an incineration plant. And somewhere between the dolphin position and the three-legged dog, two of those burning garbage eggs slip out and I fart. I farted. I farted at yoga. I'm a walking cliché. My pelvic floor has failed me.
"They're quiet, so I'm thinking 'Holy f***, thank god for that.' But then we move to some position where my heads between my legs, and the smell hits me like a punch to the nose. I died inside and now I officially smell like something has also died inside. I'm thinking, do I leave? Do I leave the country? Is this happening?? IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? (...) Okay. I gather my resolve and say you know what? Whatever. Everyone farts and I can't help it.
"We then go down on this position where we stretch right out but our legs are like a frog on the floor. The teacher then came around and pushed everyone down lower... I thought 'oh good, gonna get a nice crack in my back again.' I hold in my butthole nice and tight to make sure no farts escape again. She comes over... pushes my back down... And buuuuuuuuuurrppppfffffff.
"The loudest trumpet comes out of my ass. I froze and thought 'oh my god. Oh my god.OH MY GOD.' (...) My face flushes red and I have tears in my eyes from the embarrassment. I got up, attempted to roll up my yoga mat but couldn't do it, so I just kinda chucked it to the side.. and grabbed my shoes and socks and my bag all in my arms and basically bolted out the door. I turn around just as I'm closing the door and look up embarrassed to see everyone on their knees wide eyed staring at me in shock... (or in an awake coma from the smell).
"And guru ashram yoga teacher looks at me, bows her head and joins her hands together and says 'namaste.' And I think 'nah I'm a go,' and I run out the door and now I'm sitting at McDonald's eating a sundae crying and laughing. Sorry physio. I'm never ever ever EVER, doing yoga again. F*** the muscle separation."
This farting horror story brings tears to the eyes! Laura's searing honesty shows that we are all human, made of flesh and blood... and a not inconsiderable amount of gas ;-)